The Rev. Dr. Mark Morrison Reed says this about a minister’s experience of leaving a congregation:

  • You will love your parishioners with all your heart but never befriend them.
  • You will pour out your lifeblood for the community but never settle there.
  • You shall die to the congregation so that the ministry might live.

He goes on to write, “We are not as free to share all aspects of our lives and ourselves. Nor can we make friends with whom we please, for that would create two classes of parishioners—the chosen and the not. Finally, when our ministries come to an end, so must the relationships, lest we take up space the next ministry needs if it is to take root.”

Morrison Reed also quotes Mary Oliver, “To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal, to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it, and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.”

Beloveds, I am leaving Pacific Unitarian this month. My last day is Sunday, July 21, and after that, I will go on vacation for the remainder of my contract. My contract ends on July 31. 

Many of you have asked, “Will you visit?” “Can we still call you?” As much as I love you and will miss you, my job as I leave is to take time away from this community. Morrison Reed says it best, “when our ministries come to an end, so must the relationships, lest we take up space the next ministry needs if it is to take root.”

I am taking leave from you, including cutting off contact for now, because I believe it is the best way to allow your new relationship with Pastor Joshua to take root and flourish. He is the minister I want you to look to when you need pastoral care, friendly advice, emotional support, or the answers to a spiritual question. I believe in his ability to shepherd Pacific Unitarian well and to care for you. 

The UU Ministers Association guidelines are quite clear on what is expected of a parting minister: “There should be no intentional or ministerial contact between a departing minister and members, staff, or clients of congregations … until there can be a covenant expressed in a Letter of Understanding between predecessor and subsequent ministers. … The provisions of this covenant should be arrived at through conversation and negotiation with an understanding that the well-being of the congregation and the new ministry is of primary importance.”

This means that from the moment I end my ministry at Pacific Unitarian, my connection to this congregation will be through its future ministers, and there can be no significant contact until I can establish a covenant with your new minister(s). (I do know that there is a chance we will see each other at a UU event or even on the streets of Long Beach. In that case, there is no need to turn away and pretend we don’t see each other! Say hello! Tell me how you are!)

What this does mean:

• I will not participate in memorial services or any other ceremonies for Pacific Unitarian members and friends unless I am already in covenant with your new minister and am invited by that minister. Please do not put your new minister into an awkward position by inviting me first and then seeking their permission.

• I will not accept any invitations for social interaction unless I am already in covenant with your new minister and this meets with the guidelines of that agreement.

• In the event of a chance encounter, I will not discuss church business or any other aspect of congregational life with you. Instead, I would love you to give me an update on your life, and I’ll tell you about mine.

• If you need a letter of reference or similar kind of support from me, please reach out to your minister. They will pass on the request to me.

I do this because I strongly believe in boundaries and allowing space for relationships to change. I want you to know that I honor these boundaries because I value the health of Pacific Unitarian and our faith movement. 

Also, I will miss you. I still think about congregants from my former churches all the time. I remember them fondly and wonder about their lives. You will always have a place in my heart, both as individuals who have meant so much to me and as the congregation that ordained me to this ministry. I will forever love Pacific Unitarian. 

You still have some opportunities to say goodbye to me. I will be leading the worship services on July 7 & 21. There will also be a celebration of my ministry at Pacific Unitarian after the service on July 21. I am still available for phone calls, coffee, and lunch throughout the next couple of weeks. You can make an appointment here: https://calendar.app.google/n1fysD4BsoqmAyJAA.

I will miss you. 

With love and a fond goodbye,

Rev. Chloë